Couples Therapy Requirement # 1 : Own Responsibility for Your Role
Most people in relationships which are in need of couples therapy are more practiced using the word “you” than using the word “I”. Instead of “This is what I did to contribute to the problem they will say “You do this” or “You don’t do that”. Ring any bells?
This is usually said out of pain, frustration and anger and are trying to let their partner know that they feel hurt by them. Unfortunately, telling somebody “you do this and this is why I’m unhappy” always puts them on the defensive because they feel attacked. Experience may have shown you that using this approach makes it very unlikely your partner will respond the way you want him or her to.
The funny thing is that the more you own your stuff and say “here’s what I did to contribute to the fight the more likely your partner is to own their end and give you what you are looking for. This is not always an easy thing to do. You may honestly feel your partner is more to blame or that they will use your confession to attack you or to justify their point.
While there is no guarantee that this approach will work its worth a shot. You wouldn’t be considering couples therapy if the approach you’ve been using has been effective
Couples Therapy Requirement #2: Slow Down and Listen
Remember how it was when you first started dating? How you would take the time and really listen to each other? How you really worked to understand the other person’s point of view instead of instantly casting them as the enemy when you were trying to make up after a fight? What happened?
Unfortunately, after awhile the brain starts to think “I’ve got this person figured out” and in essence assigns labels to your partner. It does this as a mental shortcut because if we really had to process every bit of information that we come across our brains would quickly become overwhelmed. Our partners are no exception to this rule. We all have anywhere from five to fifteen or so labels for our partner, some of them good, some not so good and everything he or she does gets filtered through one of these labels.
While this might make for efficient use of brain power, it doesn’t make for good understanding of one another. Without even being aware of it you stop trying to understand what your partner is really saying or doing and instead filter it through one of those labels. If it goes through a good label no problem. If it gets filtered through a bad label its seen as a problem.
Most couples I see in marriage counseling are at a point where the number of times they use a negative label far outweighs the number of times they use a positive one. The irony is that the better we know our partner the more likely we are to stereotype him or her. Think about it for a moment – what labels do you have for your partner?
Couples Therapy Requirement #3: It Takes Time
It took you awhile, probably years, to get to the point where you think you might need couples therapy and, while it hopefully won’t take years for things to get better, it is going to take some time.
